I'm a girl, so I think I'm always perceptive of the way something is worded and not just the face value of the statement. Aren't all girls this way? Anyone who has had a disagreement with a girl would probably say so. "It's not what you said, it's the way you said it!" I know I've said that. Tone is everything and word choice is sometimes everything.
That is why I have little mental hypothetical conversations in my head about this adopted daughter we'll be having. Eric and I both agree that she'll just be *ours* and that her appearance and heritage will just be a part of her and not who she is. But, that doesn't mean other people won't draw attention to that more than they should. So, I kind of want to arm myself with how we'll handle strangers so that our child will be confident, secure, and a whole heap of other things that we desire for all our children. I really thought this entry was a good one, and the comments equally insightful. At first, it seems nit-picky to make such a big difference between some bitty words. But, those bitty words may mean the difference between a person who feels like a foreigner her whole life, and a person who knows she was born in Taiwan but doesn't wrap up her whole identity in that fact. Kind of like no longer using the term "orphan" for a child who has been adopted. They are no longer an orphan! They have a family!
Thursday, August 09, 2007
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5 comments:
You are right. Such good points. If I ever say anything that bothers you in this way I hope you tell me. I know my heart will love your little girl, I've prayed for her too much not to, but I cannot be as close to her situation as you and may not be as sensitive as I should be.
Oh Mary! I'm sure I'll be just as irritated by those who try too hard to be "sensitive" with each and every comment. You know me- I'm not about being PC. I'm more referring to the way we will continually confirm her status in our family. If each and every time someone asks "Where is she from?" and we say "she's from taiwan", we might be putting more emphasis on the past than is necessary. Similarly, if someone remarks that she is "so lucky to have been saved from an orphanage". Which response is more helpful to my child's identity (formed by overhearing her parents explain her unusual situation often): "I know, isn't it such a shame that her birth family gave her up" or "We are blessed/ lucky to have *her*"? It can be what we, as parents, make of it. Even purposefully odd or hurtful comments from strangers can be ineffective depending on our reaction. What we are in control of, is what I'm focused on. I hope that better clarifies what I'm getting at.
Yes, you've clarified, I guess I just hate thinking I could be that person that says something you have to explain away later, or causes you to have to rephrase for her benefit, or you and Eric roll your eyes over. Being pregnant I'm faced with those people all the time, you've been in my shoes and know what I mean. The insensitive comments and expressions that get tiresome and frustrating at times. I would much rather be educated than to continue being that person.
Tisra,
When people ask my sister where she's from, she always says Minneapolis, not Korea. I totally agree.
Jane
Thanks for this post! I honestly had never even thought about it. I always figured from Taiwan but we live in xyz. I like "born in" much better. I read the blog post you were referring to and the comments as well. There were several good points.
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